1) Avoid stating an observation sourced from wrongness, blame, judgment, diagnosis or enemy images.

2) Instead, when talking about what you are reacting to, stick to clear observations, just like what an emotionless video camera would say if it could speak. It might sound like, “I have been thinking about how you spend so much time at the office” or “In meetings you tell stories that are 10 to 15 minutes long and, eventually, have little to do with the subject of the meeting.”

3) After a clear observation, state a feeling that comes from your heart or a body sensation. (I feel lonely and sad. I feel annoyed and confused.)

4) Avoid statements like “I feel that you…” and “I feel like you…”

These statements are likely to be followed by blame, judgment or wrongness. You are unlikely to get your needs met by speaking in this manner.

5) Express heart-felt emotions and body sensations — not diagnosis, judgment or blame

Here is how you will know you have identified your needs. Your anger will be replaced by another feeling or you will feel other feelings along with anger.

Here is what to do next:

1) Name these feelings out loud, not the anger, but the other feelings. (I feel sad and lonely.)

2) Then name your need out loud. (I realize I need more companionship, connection and nurturing.)

3) Then make a request that invites a response from the other person that would make life more wonderful and fulfilling right now. (Would you agree to spend Tuesday nights and Sundays with our family?)

The other person will want understanding for his or her feelings and needs also.

Unless he or she knows the 10 steps of my Launch from Good to Great Anger Management System, it is likely he or she will not have the awareness or skills you have.

When he or she speaks to you, it might sound something like, “You’re always thinking of yourself. You’re selfish. All you care about is yourself.”

I call this Termite Talk.

Termite Talk

Think of what termites do to the wooden foundation of any structure.

They eat at it until it is dust.

This is what judgment, shame, blame, guilt, wrongness and punishment talk does.

So how do you deal with angry people who are using Termite Talk?

First, you realize that you want your needs met.

Termite Talk erodes any possibility of a foundation that could get your needs met. Your needs are the most important. So choose the talk most likely to fulfill your needs.

What is it?

Eagle Talk. An eagle is a leader and a sign of enlightenment and freedom. But you might not feel like a leader. You are, even if you are leading one, yourself. And you might not feel free. You are, if you are able to communicate your needs.

What is Eagle Talk?

It is communicating empathy, observations, feelings, needs and requests in a heart-connected way without judgment, shame, blame, guilt, wrongness or punishment of yourself or others.

How do you start to get your needs met when you deal with angry people using Termite Talk?

The most powerful tool for transforming Termite Talk into getting your needs met is empathy.

What is Empathy?

Empathy is the capacity to give your non-judgmental attention in the present moment to a sufferer, regardless of how he or she is communicating.

It is being attentive to others and their experiences.

It is being in the presence of people with weaker communication skills — who are talking and acting judgment, blame, shame, guilt, punishment or wrongness — and realize this is the only way they know to get their needs met. It is tragic and sad.

You choose to use the stronger communication skills outlined in this anger management system. So you stay you’re your observations, your feelings, your needs and your requests.

It is listening to others without taking on their feelings.

Feeling another’s feelings is sympathy.

When we are sympathizing (I feel what you are feeling) we are not empathizing (I am here with you with total acceptance and not judgment, shame, blame, guilt, wrongness or punishment. I am here with you and not taking what you say personally, because I understand it’s about your skill level in communicating unfulfilled needs.)

So if a person attacks you, you know they have a low skill level for identifying and communicating unfulfilled needs.

Using this Anger Management System, you have a greater skill level to deal with angry people or people who have only lower skill levels.

After Empathizing

After empathizing, move your attention to the other person’s feelings and needs. Guess what action the other person might like to meet his or her needs.

It could be a general statement like, “Are you worried (or other feeling) about consideration for your needs and want to know that I am willing to consider your needs as well my own needs (or other action)?”

Or more specific question like, “Are you feeling sad and lonely and need to feel nurtured and connection?”

What to Avoid

Make sure to avoid “Are you feeling sad and lonely because you are mad I spend too much time at the office?”

A statement like this starts out connecting to feelings and then quickly moves to blame. This fuels and perpetuates the person’s lower skill level of blame and wrongness.

Increasing Your Personal Power

Communicating that you hear a person is very different than agreeing he or she is right or wrong.

By hearing how others feel and what they want, you can make sure you clearly understand their needs and request so you can make decisions about whether you want to agree to those requests.

When you demonstrate you really understand what others feel and need, you will be amazed how quickly they will trust their needs are as important to you as your need are to you.

You will find even the most difficult, angry people will be open to considering your needs, as you are considering theirs, and be more receptive to various strategies to meeting everyone’s needs.