4 Steps to Decide Who Speaks First

Since only one person can be actually heard at a time, ask yourself these questions to determine who will speak first and who will listen first:

1) Do you want to communicate how you feel and what you need for the other person to understand right now?

2) Or do you want to understand how the other person feels and what they need first?

3) Who is feeling the most pain?

4) Who has the most clarity of what they feel and what they need?

You may consider the person with the most clarity focusing on hearing the feelings and needs of the person in the most pain.

The feeling of being heard and understood will most likely help the person in the most pain feel relief and clarity.

When both people are at the same point of relief, understanding and clarity they may both feeling more willing to consider each others needs.

Either way, with my Anger Management System, you have the awareness to deal with angry people successfully – be that yourself or others.

Following this anger management system, you have the anger management skills to decide who will focus on feelings, needs and requests first.

If you choose to go first, you will be talking about your feelings, needs and requests to the other person.

If you choose for the other person to go first, he or she will be talking about his or her feelings, needs and requests to you.

Success Talk

If they do not know how to talk feelings, needs and requests, you can start by sharing your guesses (as detailed in step eight of the Anger Management System), in the form of questions.

It might sound like, “Are you feeling scared, overwhelmed and hopeless and need to know your family will be safe and have food and shelter?”

The question is “Are you feeling _______________ and need ________________?” It is a question and not a statement. You are not telling them what they feel and need. You are guessing.

Stick closely to this question, because it keeps the focus on feelings and needs. This removes judgment, punishment, criticism, blame and enemy images.

What NOT to Say

The question is NOT “Are you feeling __________ because I (or someone else) __________?”

Stay away from this question.

The part of the statement “because I (or someone else)” implies judgment, punishment, wrongdoing, criticism, blame and enemy images. This nearly guarantees your needs and those of others will not be met.

The question is NOT “What do you think about that?” or “What do you feel about that?”

Stay away from this question.

It puts the focus on logic which produces judgment, punishment, wrongdoing, criticism, blame and enemy images. Yes, most often when you ask someone how they feel, she or he will tell you what they think.

To resolve conflict, deal with angry people and get everyone’s needs met, we must stay with observations, feelings, needs and requests.

Even if you ask a person how he or she feels, often he or she doesn’t know; the response is negative thoughts and not feelings

The question is NOT “You shouldn’t feel __________” or “You should feel __________.”

Again, avoid these statements.

They are suicidal to getting your needs met.

Why?

People will not meet your needs if their needs are not being met.

Even if they say they will, they (consciously or unconsciously) sabotage your needs being met or you will pay a costly price the next time you present needs.