Understanding your needs can never be fully met at someone else’s expense.

To get your needs met and resolve the problem, you must identify and communicate awareness of your own feelings, needs and requests, and help other people do the same.

How could you help other people, especially when you deal with angry people?

Use steps two through seven of my Anger Management System to guess in your mind what the other person is experiencing. Don’t worry about being accurate.

This guess is your best attempt at understanding what the other person is feeling and what the other person’s needs are when they acted as you observed.

The act of going through the steps will connect you with the other person on a heart level. The heart level connection is what’s important to open the door for mutual care and understanding.

At this point, you haven’t spoken yet.

Translate judgments, diagnosis and blame statements into what you guess the other person feels and wants.

If you are not able to do this and, instead, want to blame or feel the person doesn’t deserve to have their needs met, you are still holding enemy images. These will need to be resolved before a atmosphere where needs are mutually met.

So let’s apply this step. If we were guessing, “she’s unreliable” could mean:

Guess One

Possible Feeling and What It Could Look Like

She might feel irritated, frustrated and helpless. She may not understand the requests. She may feel like her actions don’t matter. She might feel like no matter what she does it will be criticized, so why try.

Possible Needs

She needs clarity, respect and reassurance.

Guess Two

Possible Feeling and What It Could Look Like

She might feel hopeless, lonely and uncomfortable. She may be scared to say no and, instead, say yes and not show up.

Possible Needs

She needs to be nurtured, cared for and loved.

Guess Three

Possible Feelings and What It Could Look Like

She may feel scared, overwhelmed and hopeless. She may prioritize overtime more important than time-off from work with the family.

Possible Needs

She needs to feel safe and have food and shelter for her family.

Identifying Feelings and Needs

If identifying feelings and needs is difficult for you, here is a list of some you can refer to:

Feelings When Your Needs Are Being Met:

Grateful
Confident
Energized
Eager
Stimulated
Proud
Intrigued
Hopeful
Content
Ease
Relieved
Surprised
Amazed
Touched
Joyful
Bliss
Optimistic

Feelings When Your Needs Are Not Being Met:

Angry
Rage
Disappointment
Frustration
Jelous
Annoyed
Sad
Depressed
Powerless
Helpless
Hopeless
Irritated
Nervous
Confused
Embarrassed
Concerned
Lonely
Overwhelmed
Impatient
Reluctant

Basic Needs All People Have
(This list is a start; there are more)

Physical – air, food, to move, exercise, protection from life-threatening situations, rest, se.x.ual expression, shelter, nurturing, touch, water

Play – fun, laughter, expression

Spirit – heart level connection, harmony, beauty of surroundings, inspiration, organization, flexibility, answers to deep questions, peace.

Community – acceptance, gratitude, connection, consideration, life-enhancing contributions, emotional safety, other people present and listening

Creativity – meaning, intuitive connection, able to feel safe being true self, self-worth

Recognition – celebrate creation of life, celebrate fulfilled dreams, mourning losses of loved ones or dreams

Independence – choosing your own dreams, goals and values; choosing your own plans for how you will fulfill dreams, goals and values

How to Get What You Want

At this point, even though you are not talking to the person yet, you are seeing them differently than as an “enemy.”

You are able to see a human with needs. They want life on earth to be more enjoyable by getting needs satisfied.

Even a person who hurts another believes by hurting that person, his or her own needs will be fulfilled. This is a tragic, temporary and costly way to attempt to meet needs.

Reality is an individual’s needs are actually only met when others’ needs are met too.

In the next newsletter, you will learn how you can get your needs met when dealing with angry, unstable or ridiculous people.