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August 13, 2006 04:20 PM

10 Steps Proving No Problem is Too Big to Solve

Have problems? Want solutions…now?

You may be feeling angry, annoyed or anxious. You might be feeling frustrated, overwhelmed or hopeless.

You’ll love this article because it will show you why no problem is too big to solve.

You have the power. And the 10 step Lori Prokop Anger Management System will help you take it back, even in the toughest of situations.

Here are 4 questions, which upon answering, which will provide the solution to your problem:

1) What are the concrete actions you are observing affecting your well-being?

2) How do you feel in connection with what you are observing?

3) What are the unfulfilled needs or desires creating your feelings?

4) What are the concrete actions you are requesting to enrich your life now?

You might be saying, “I don’t even know what these four questions mean. How can I answer questions I don’t understand? I need some help here.”

Great.

Here is a summary of the 10 steps of the Anger Management System, which will help you understand why no problem is too great to solve.

Great.

Here is a summary of the 10 steps of the Anger Management System, which will help you understand why no problem is too great to solve.

Step 1: Learn anger is a valuable warning signal of unfulfilled needs. It says to stop and become aware of your unfulfilled needs and the feelings created by those unfulfilled needs. Begin to look for result that would make your life more fulfilling, satisfying and wonderful.

Step 2: Learn to identify just the facts. Observe without judgment, shame, blame, guilt, wrongness or punishment of yourself or others.

Step 3: You learn your feelings result from your needs being met or not being met and never from what another person does or doesn’t do.

Step 4: You take control of your thinking and focus your awareness on your feelings and needs.

Step 5: You experience more personal power, contentment and ease as you get in touch with your needs and realize you can take positive action to get your needs met.

Step 6 and 7: You imagine and identify positive actions that will meet your needs right now.

Step 8: Your awareness moves to others involved. Before talking to them, you guess what the other person feels and needs. You identify actions which might contribute to his or her needs being met.

Step 9: Chose which person you would like to speak first with the knowingness you can continue talking until all needs are met through actions everyone is in agreement with and willing to take.

Step 10: Time to Talk. You put the steps into action communicating your observations, feelings, needs and requests and receiving the other person’s observations, feelings, needs and requests.

You stay focused on making clear requests and how you feel about what is being requested of you.

If you feel good, you might consider agreeing to the request.

If you feel bad, you might consider say no to the request and working towards a request you feel good about agreeing to.

You continue until everyone’s needs are met through actions everyone feels good about and agrees to take.

Posted by Lori Prokop at 4:20 PM | Comments (3)

August 9, 2006 10:12 AM

End Your Fear of Failure Because No Problem is Too Big to Solve

Here are the questions to make sure you are clear on before you start talking problem resolution:

1) Is your observation clear and without judgment, shame, blame, guilt or diagnosis of yourself or others?

2) Are you able to name your feelings and needs?

3) Do you have a guess of what the other person’s feelings and needs are?

4) Do you have a clear request of what you want to have happen next?

Okay, then, now it is time to talk.

Here is a guideline on what to say (and not say).

1) Avoid stating an observation sourced from wrongness, blame, judgment, diagnosis or enemy images.

2) Instead, when talking about what you are reacting to, stick to clear observations, just like what an emotionless video camera would say if it could speak. It might sound like, “I have been thinking about how you spend so much time at the office” or “In meetings you tell stories that are 10 to 15 minutes long and, eventually, have little to do with the subject of the meeting.”

3) After a clear observation, state a feeling that comes from your heart or a body sensation. (I feel lonely and sad. I feel annoyed and confused.)

4) Avoid statements like “I feel that you…” and “I feel like you…”

These statements are likely to be followed by blame, judgment or wrongness. You are unlikely to get your needs met by speaking in this manner.

5) Express heart-felt emotions and body sensations — not diagnosis, judgment or blame

Here is how you will know you have identified your needs. Your anger will be replaced by another feeling or you will feel other feelings along with anger.

Here is what to do next:

1) Name these feelings out loud, not the anger, but the other feelings. (I feel sad and lonely.)

2) Then name your need out loud. (I realize I need more companionship, connection and nurturing.)

3) Then make a request that invites a response from the other person that would make life more wonderful and fulfilling right now. (Would you agree to spend Tuesday nights and Sundays with our family?)

The other person will want understanding for his or her feelings and needs also.

Unless he or she knows the 10 steps of my Launch from Good to Great Anger Management System, it is likely he or she will not have the awareness or skills you have.

When he or she speaks to you, it might sound something like, “You’re always thinking of yourself. You’re selfish. All you care about is yourself.”

I call this Termite Talk.

Termite Talk

Think of what termites do to the wooden foundation of any structure.

They eat at it until it is dust.

This is what judgment, shame, blame, guilt, wrongness and punishment talk does.

So how do you deal with angry people who are using Termite Talk?

First, you realize that you want your needs met.

Termite Talk erodes any possibility of a foundation that could get your needs met. Your needs are the most important. So choose the talk most likely to fulfill your needs.

What is it?

Eagle Talk. An eagle is a leader and a sign of enlightenment and freedom. But you might not feel like a leader. You are, even if you are leading one, yourself. And you might not feel free. You are, if you are able to communicate your needs.

What is Eagle Talk?

It is communicating empathy, observations, feelings, needs and requests in a heart-connected way without judgment, shame, blame, guilt, wrongness or punishment of yourself or others.

How do you start to get your needs met when you deal with angry people using Termite Talk?

The most powerful tool for transforming Termite Talk into getting your needs met is empathy.

What is Empathy?

Empathy is the capacity to give your non-judgmental attention in the present moment to a sufferer, regardless of how he or she is communicating.

It is being attentive to others and their experiences.

It is being in the presence of people with weaker communication skills — who are talking and acting judgment, blame, shame, guilt, punishment or wrongness — and realize this is the only way they know to get their needs met. It is tragic and sad.

You choose to use the stronger communication skills outlined in this anger management system. So you stay you’re your observations, your feelings, your needs and your requests.

It is listening to others without taking on their feelings.

Feeling another’s feelings is sympathy.

When we are sympathizing (I feel what you are feeling) we are not empathizing (I am here with you with total acceptance and not judgment, shame, blame, guilt, wrongness or punishment. I am here with you and not taking what you say personally, because I understand it’s about your skill level in communicating unfulfilled needs.)

So if a person attacks you, you know they have a low skill level for identifying and communicating unfulfilled needs.

Using this Anger Management System, you have a greater skill level to deal with angry people or people who have only lower skill levels.

After Empathizing

After empathizing, move your attention to the other person’s feelings and needs. Guess what action the other person might like to meet his or her needs.

It could be a general statement like, “Are you worried (or other feeling) about consideration for your needs and want to know that I am willing to consider your needs as well my own needs (or other action)?”

Or more specific question like, “Are you feeling sad and lonely and need to feel nurtured and connection?”

What to Avoid

Make sure to avoid “Are you feeling sad and lonely because you are mad I spend too much time at the office?”

A statement like this starts out connecting to feelings and then quickly moves to blame. This fuels and perpetuates the person’s lower skill level of blame and wrongness.

Increasing Your Personal Power

Communicating that you hear a person is very different than agreeing he or she is right or wrong.

By hearing how others feel and what they want, you can make sure you clearly understand their needs and request so you can make decisions about whether you want to agree to those requests.

When you demonstrate you really understand what others feel and need, you will be amazed how quickly they will trust their needs are as important to you as your need are to you.

You will find even the most difficult, angry people will be open to considering your needs, as you are considering theirs, and be more receptive to various strategies to meeting everyone’s needs.

Posted by Lori Prokop at 10:12 AM | Comments (1)

August 6, 2006 01:58 PM

Anger Management: Overcoming the Failure to Communicate

When there are disagreements, even hostile outbursts, whose needs are talked about first?

Start by imagining that everyone’s needs can be understood and met; no one “winning” at the cost of the other.

This anger management system is complete only after both people have been heard, understood and walk away satisfied.

If only one person has been heard, understood and satisfied, you are half-way done.

4 Steps to Decide Who Speaks First

Since only one person can be actually heard at a time, ask yourself these questions to determine who will speak first and who will listen first:

1) Do you want to communicate how you feel and what you need for the other person to understand right now?

2) Or do you want to understand how the other person feels and what they need first?

3) Who is feeling the most pain?

4) Who has the most clarity of what they feel and what they need?

You may consider the person with the most clarity focusing on hearing the feelings and needs of the person in the most pain.

The feeling of being heard and understood will most likely help the person in the most pain feel relief and clarity.

When both people are at the same point of relief, understanding and clarity they may both feeling more willing to consider each others needs.

Either way, with my Anger Management System, you have the awareness to deal with angry people successfully – be that yourself or others.

Following this anger management system, you have the anger management skills to decide who will focus on feelings, needs and requests first.

If you choose to go first, you will be talking about your feelings, needs and requests to the other person.

If you choose for the other person to go first, he or she will be talking about his or her feelings, needs and requests to you.

Success Talk

If they do not know how to talk feelings, needs and requests, you can start by sharing your guesses (as detailed in step eight of the Anger Management System), in the form of questions.

It might sound like, “Are you feeling scared, overwhelmed and hopeless and need to know your family will be safe and have food and shelter?”

The question is “Are you feeling _______________ and need ________________?” It is a question and not a statement. You are not telling them what they feel and need. You are guessing.

Stick closely to this question, because it keeps the focus on feelings and needs. This removes judgment, punishment, criticism, blame and enemy images.

What NOT to Say

The question is NOT “Are you feeling __________ because I (or someone else) __________?”

Stay away from this question.

The part of the statement “because I (or someone else)” implies judgment, punishment, wrongdoing, criticism, blame and enemy images. This nearly guarantees your needs and those of others will not be met.

The question is NOT “What do you think about that?” or “What do you feel about that?”

Stay away from this question.

It puts the focus on logic which produces judgment, punishment, wrongdoing, criticism, blame and enemy images. Yes, most often when you ask someone how they feel, she or he will tell you what they think.

To resolve conflict, deal with angry people and get everyone’s needs met, we must stay with observations, feelings, needs and requests.

Even if you ask a person how he or she feels, often he or she doesn’t know; the response is negative thoughts and not feelings

The question is NOT “You shouldn’t feel __________” or “You should feel __________.”

Again, avoid these statements.

They are suicidal to getting your needs met.

Why?

People will not meet your needs if their needs are not being met.

Even if they say they will, they (consciously or unconsciously) sabotage your needs being met or you will pay a costly price the next time you present needs.

Posted by Lori Prokop at 1:58 PM | Comments (0)

August 3, 2006 09:11 AM

Anger Management: What to Do When the Other Person is Wrong

If you really want to meet your own needs, without it being costly to you at the time or costing you later, it is important the other person’s needs are met as well.

For anyone who says, “The other people are wrong. They should NOT have said what they said and did what they did. They don’t deserve to have their needs met.”

This is holding an enemy image of the other person. It is costly to whoever is holding the enemy image.

Before speaking, acting or attempting to get your needs met, if you need to resolve any enemy image, start with step one of the Anger Management System.

Understanding your needs can never be fully met at someone else’s expense.

To get your needs met and resolve the problem, you must identify and communicate awareness of your own feelings, needs and requests, and help other people do the same.

How could you help other people, especially when you deal with angry people?

Use steps two through seven of my Anger Management System to guess in your mind what the other person is experiencing. Don’t worry about being accurate.

This guess is your best attempt at understanding what the other person is feeling and what the other person’s needs are when they acted as you observed.

The act of going through the steps will connect you with the other person on a heart level. The heart level connection is what’s important to open the door for mutual care and understanding.

At this point, you haven’t spoken yet.

Translate judgments, diagnosis and blame statements into what you guess the other person feels and wants.

If you are not able to do this and, instead, want to blame or feel the person doesn’t deserve to have their needs met, you are still holding enemy images. These will need to be resolved before a atmosphere where needs are mutually met.

So let’s apply this step. If we were guessing, “she’s unreliable” could mean:

Guess One

Possible Feeling and What It Could Look Like

She might feel irritated, frustrated and helpless. She may not understand the requests. She may feel like her actions don’t matter. She might feel like no matter what she does it will be criticized, so why try.

Possible Needs

She needs clarity, respect and reassurance.

Guess Two

Possible Feeling and What It Could Look Like

She might feel hopeless, lonely and uncomfortable. She may be scared to say no and, instead, say yes and not show up.

Possible Needs

She needs to be nurtured, cared for and loved.

Guess Three

Possible Feelings and What It Could Look Like

She may feel scared, overwhelmed and hopeless. She may prioritize overtime more important than time-off from work with the family.

Possible Needs

She needs to feel safe and have food and shelter for her family.

Identifying Feelings and Needs

If identifying feelings and needs is difficult for you, here is a list of some you can refer to:

Feelings When Your Needs Are Being Met:

Grateful
Confident
Energized
Eager
Stimulated
Proud
Intrigued
Hopeful
Content
Ease
Relieved
Surprised
Amazed
Touched
Joyful
Bliss
Optimistic

Feelings When Your Needs Are Not Being Met:

Angry
Rage
Disappointment
Frustration
Jelous
Annoyed
Sad
Depressed
Powerless
Helpless
Hopeless
Irritated
Nervous
Confused
Embarrassed
Concerned
Lonely
Overwhelmed
Impatient
Reluctant

Basic Needs All People Have
(This list is a start; there are more)

Physical – air, food, to move, exercise, protection from life-threatening situations, rest, se.x.ual expression, shelter, nurturing, touch, water

Play – fun, laughter, expression

Spirit – heart level connection, harmony, beauty of surroundings, inspiration, organization, flexibility, answers to deep questions, peace.

Community – acceptance, gratitude, connection, consideration, life-enhancing contributions, emotional safety, other people present and listening

Creativity – meaning, intuitive connection, able to feel safe being true self, self-worth

Recognition – celebrate creation of life, celebrate fulfilled dreams, mourning losses of loved ones or dreams

Independence – choosing your own dreams, goals and values; choosing your own plans for how you will fulfill dreams, goals and values

How to Get What You Want

At this point, even though you are not talking to the person yet, you are seeing them differently than as an “enemy.”

You are able to see a human with needs. They want life on earth to be more enjoyable by getting needs satisfied.

Even a person who hurts another believes by hurting that person, his or her own needs will be fulfilled. This is a tragic, temporary and costly way to attempt to meet needs.

Reality is an individual’s needs are actually only met when others’ needs are met too.

In the next newsletter, you will learn how you can get your needs met when dealing with angry, unstable or ridiculous people.

Posted by Lori Prokop at 9:11 AM | Comments (2)