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How to Resolve Any Problem and Get What You Want
People who feel angry often think they are angry because the other person “made them” angry.
This anger management step focuses on the power you have to undo this misconception and choose to deal with angry people in a way that makes life more wonderful for you and others.
To do this, you will identify:
1) Your clear observation without judgment, wrongness or blame
2) Your feelings,
3) Your needs and
4) A clear request.
What is a clear request?
“I want you to be more reliable,” is not clear or achievable.
Why?
Because it leaves the listener having to read your mind and guess exactly what “reliable” means and what you are asking him to do to achieve it.
He may believe he is being reliable by sitting on the couch day after day, because you can rely on the fact you can find him there.
But you may view reliable as getting off the couch and taking out the garbage.
Here is how to transform anger and deal with angry people so you can resolve any problem and get what you want.
The idea is to imagine the other person doing or saying something, right now, that is in agreement with your desire and likely to meet your need.
Ask yourself, “At this moment, exactly what could the person say or do to meet my needs?”
Using the steps from the Anger Management System, a woman passed over for a promotion becomes:
1) (Observation) Clear about describing the situation without judgment or punishment
2) (Identify Feelings and Needs) She is aware her anger is about the need for recognition, for respect and to feed her family. As she identifies her needs, she finds she is also feeling sad, scared and hopeless.
3) (Request) Aware she needs to make a clear, positive request for action here in the now.
So she may say to her boss, “Would you agree to review with me, within the next week, at least two projects I have already completed that you believe have contributed to improvement in our department?”
You may say, but what if the other person is wrong or at fault? What if they have done something that needs punishment?
Posted by Lori Prokop
Comments
Thank you, Lori, for the many issues of "Launching to Great" ezine you have sent me. Excellent material which I have kept for all kinds of reference. I have learned well from you and find it is now time to cancel the subscription.
Must tell you, too, that I have used your "Winning Vibes Chart" over and over again; made copies to discuss with two friends, one of whom incorporated your message into a problem area in her life and successfully resolved it.
I finally reached the point where I decided to fold over the bottom two-thirds and focus on and keep myself in the top third -- the positive vibes.
Thank you again for your workshop at Unity Christ Center in Eau Claire! It was so valuable for me on a 10-day cruise in June with a roommate who was given to angry outbursts. Without the workshop materials, I would have taken everything personally and would have tried to "fix it." But I was able to stay in the positive vibes and distance myself from her anger. We are still good friends.
Thanks again for your wisdom and insights.
Nancy Hirsch
UCCEC
Posted by: Nancy Hirsch at September 18, 2006 3:45 PM
