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Building Self Confidence While Ending Fear and Worry
“What do you want?”
That statement can feel like a loaded question.
We are taught “not to want” by people who want their lives to feel “easier” by not having to help others achieve well-being. This doesn’t mean they were bad people. Rather, they had needs they chose to put before your needs.
Often, they didn’t even realize how to identify and get their own needs met and, as a result, didn’t have the skills to help or teach others.
Having unmet needs is the source of low self-worth, lack of self confidence and fear and worry for many people.
Part of living a peaceful life, including achieving world peace, is realizing that overlooking or postponing your own and others’ needs and well-being is very costly and only temporary.
What’s the First Clue You Have Unmet Needs?
Anger is the warning signal that you have unmet needs.
What a person is saying, often subconsciously, when expressing anger is, “Help me identify my unmet needs and get them met.”
What they are often consciously saying is some form of blame, shame or wrongness such as, “You make me so angry. If you wouldn’t do that, then I wouldn’t be angry.”
You have choice.
You can choose to take their verbalized comments personally and, therefore, create your own unmet needs and perpetuate anger.
Or you can see anger for the signal that it is.
You can realize when people express anger in the form of judgment, shame, blame, guilt or wrongness, they do not have the skills to identify and communicate their needs.
Without these skills, their needs go unfulfilled.
When even ONE person in a group has these anger management skills they can lead the group in such as way as to end conflict, worry, fear and, even, violence (which is conflict, fear and worry that has fermented into an explosive state).
End the Fear of Fear and Worry
Using the Anger Management System, an employee who felt the boss was unprofessional, was disrespectful and had a big mouth would look underneath the employee’s anger and translate his judgments into needs.
He may realize he values reliability, clear communication, timeliness and trust. Once needs are identified, the employee’s feelings move from anger to worry, anxiety and disappointment.
Even the harshest labels like freak, scammer or psychopath are just tragic and costly expressions of unmet needs by name callers who lack the communication skills to identify and get their needs met.
It’s tragic because the act of making another person wrong or punishing another person almost guarantees the blamer’s needs will go undiscovered, unexpressed and unmet.
Even if it appears the blamer’s needs are being met, it will be costly and only temporary for the blamer.
Overcoming Fear and Worry
Once you discover what you need, you are in the powerful position of overcoming fear and worry and choosing life-enhancing actions to get your needs met.
Posted by Lori Prokop
